What I Want: My Ideal Bathroom

I’m really particular when it comes to bathrooms. I used to write about them a lot in my previous blog (how I hate automation, my thoughts on background noise, my awareness of rogue rolls of toilet paper, how gross people can be, etc.), but when I sort of quit posting in that blog, my bathroom observations didn’t really seem relevant. However, when I started my current job a year ago, I had all sorts of new bathroom observations that I was dying to share, but again, they just didn’t really fit into the genre of this blog. And then I started to ask myself: Lindsey, if you aren’t sharing your ridiculously stupid observations about bathrooms (among other things), what kind of service are you providing to your readers? Great question.

If I was going to describe my ideal bathroom, it would be a single stall bathroom that was heavily insulated so that no one could ever hear anything that anyone does in it. That’s first and foremost. I think we all experience enough embarrassing situations in our everyday lives, why do we have to add to that with bathroom situations? And when someone is having a somewhat embarrassing bathroom situation, it’s not like anyone else wants to be around for it. Ha, it’s like a bad public speaker — we’re all uncomfortable and hoping to get out of there as quickly as humanly possible.

Secondly, it would have an amazing air exchange system and air freshener system that would eliminate all the horrible odors that happen in bathrooms. Seriously, we all know nothing pleasant happens in there. When one person exits and the next person enters, there should be nothing remaining. There should be no sign that someone had just been in there.

If I were really dreaming big, it would have a self-cleaning floor (and while we’re at it, all surfaces) that was made of super anti-bacterial stuff that would kill all germs instantly. The germophobe in me is going to come out here. When I’m using the bathroom, it DISGUSTS me when my pant leg grazes the floor. I’m not entirely sure how long surface germs live, but I feel like it could be a long time, especially when the germs are moving from a bathroom floor to your fibrous pants. Oh my gosh, I’m gagging in my chair as I type this. The floor in my office’s bathroom always looks covered in germs. It’s like someone spilled something on the floor and the remnants are left there for the entire day. I try to tell myself that it was raining outside (trying to convince myself that it rains every day….it doesn’t) and someone’s pant legs were wet and therefore made the floor wet, then it was dragged around after they were getting up and flushing the toilet. Or I tell myself that the residue is actually from a super-soapy mop that the cleaning person had used and that what I was seeing was actually really clean, soapy gunk that wouldn’t give me an infection. If all surfaces in bathrooms were self-cleaning, there would be a lot less for me to worry about. Basically, I want those Scrubbing Bubbles guys to live in this bathroom.


It would also have a floor-length mirror so I could look at my outfit. If I was shooting for the moon, I’d also ask for really good lighting so I could possibly take outfit pictures. The majority of my work outfits are not that amazing, but every so often I’m impressed with myself and would like to capture that moment. I’m rarely motivated enough to do it when I get home from work (or it’s too dark outside / I don’t have good lighting inside).

That’s it. That’s all I want. I didn’t even comment about automated things. That’s progress, right?


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